To be brutally honest

I am writing this post a little after midnight on Wednesday, February 22, 2012. You, however, will read it almost a day and a half later because I have scheduled it to post like that.

Things are hectic for me these days no matter what I might present here. I absolutely don't have it all together.

Much earlier today [so, very early on Tuesday morning to you since you are reading this on Thursday], I woke up before every one in my house and attempted to start the usual routine of making lunches but stopped because I went in to check on my daughter and she had a fever. This was after me picking her up early from her playschool on Monday (a work day of set painting for me while almost nobody else was there at school) and then a midnight stint [so that would be Sunday] of being (literally) thrown up on by my daughter. On Tuesday at 6:15am I had already gotten my kid up and set on the couch watching Caillou and eating a popsicle and we sat and waited until a decent hour rolled in when I could call out from work. And what did I do with the rest of the day? Well, I'll tell you what I didn't do...

• Grad school work
• Clean the house
• Cook anything major
• Laundry
• Take a shower/Do my hair/Change out of my pajamas
• Local errands that I might have been able to get away with

Yes. I was a total schlump all day Tuesday on my daughter's sick day. We sat together on the couch a lot, ordered her favorite Arthur movie on demand,  listened to the sound of music soundtrack and her favorite song she calls the "Swirled and swirled" (which is really a Britney Spears song #dontjudge), and ate copious amounts of oyster crackers. 

Right now I SHOULD be doing something like grad school work or at least drafting up the stewardship charts I need to have ready for my classes to refer to tomorrow when I'm back to work.

This is what it looks like when I am "on task" and being a good graduatel student.

But really? I would much rather be doing one of these two items instead...

Option 1 - Soaking in the bubbly with a book I have read at least half a dozen times already.

Option 2 - Eating a solo dinner of Truffle Mac N Cheese from Noodles & Company with paint on my hands because I was going from work to the local class I'm taking to supplement my grad studies that is an art and design class I absolutely love!!! *swoon*

Just this past Monday I started the process that is diagnostic testing for what is believed to be a completely legitimate but otherwise undiagnosed learning disability that could be hindering the success I am trying to hard to find in graduate school. It's such a long story why I have to deal with this now but if I don't deal with it, I will easily have to quit school all together. I don't want to do that. Just the same, I'm trying my best to plug away at the work and now the testing despite the fact that I dread every bit of it. Even just the thought of the fact that tomorrow my planning (and subsequent planning sessions after) will be spent trying to wade through stacks of reading and pages of what should be my own writing - it makes me not want to go to sleep and delude myself into thinking that maybe morning won't happen.

Now, I'm aware of how melodramatic I am making this sound but I'm also offering some serious transparency to you. My issues with learning present issues that fall into the realm of me being able to barely remember anything I might read and/or barely comprehending anything I might read especially if the sentences contain certain words that most all complex sentences contain. Seriously.

*sigh*

But here's the thing... if I want the rainbow at the end, I gotta put up with the rain, right? [thank you, Dolly Parton, for such outstanding wisdom such as this!]

And thank you to my 84 yo grandma for showing me the masterpiece you see above (at the top) and seriously blowing out the example piece that the recreational therapist did at the assisted living place!!! You still "got it" no matter how far away you might seem from any moment at hand. If you can stick with it? So can I!

So here's me saying, "I can do this. I can do this... I CAN DO THIS."  Because I can. I can do this. And I WILL do this no matter how much I hate it or how hard it might seem to be or how steep the mountain seems to feel when I'm climbing it.

Someone once told me that "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" and that's what I'm going to recite as my mantra from here on out.

BTW... I realized the other day that I don't think I have posted any pictures of myself on this blog anywhere.  That hardly seems fair to me and I wonder if you are wondering what I look like. I mean, it's not like there are no other pictures anywhere else on the web where you can find a picture of me. However, I will admit that they might not be the easiest to find. My picture (as well as most any of my students) have been scarce because I've really tried my best to keep it about the visual art and nothing else. I have wanted to keep a focus on the content I'm offering here. Still, when I'm not doing this type of work, I'm logging countless hours as a seasoned portrait photographer so I know the value of being able to see a picture of someone - especially one that allows you to see their eyes. For this reason, here is a picture of me in case you were wondering what I look like.

I snapped the above with my camera phone and then (per usual) ran it through a bunch of filters so sorry if you were hoping it would be a little more SOOTC (straight-out-of-the-camera). Whatever the case, I pretty much look just like that and yes - I realize I look young for being (now) in my 33rd year. *shrug* It's an Asian thing for it to be like that. Just wait 'til I'm 55 or something! *BAM* I will all of a sudden look like I'm 75. (Another "Asian" thing)

Anyway, thank you so much if you've kept up this far with this posting and also kept up with this blog. I say prayers of gratitude every day that I get to be a part of a community that permits me to have this platform to share the thing that is my art as well as my heART. *wink*