I have always ALWAYS wanted to be a painter and more than any other kind of artist in the world. And I have always ALWAYS felt like I couldn't be that because what I was painting was merely rendering things and wasn't ever truly creating anything worth the paint and time I was using up in order to paint in the fist place. And while it's debatable that I am any good at all, well... I am not very hung up on that. This is because for the first time in my life I feel much more like a legitimate painter (and in turn serious visual artist) than I ever have before. I feel like I actually have a specific direction for the artwork that I am seeking to create and I am not just making the same thing over and over again or swiping other peoples' work by simply remaking what they very uniquely created to begin with leaving me with only a poor imitation of their truly phenomenal work.
I mean... like I said before - I am not trying to say that I am some acclaimed artist or anything worth my salts (or rather my paints) but I finally don't feel so hung up on the whole business of whether I am good or not. And even if someone thinks I am not good? Eh... I am not hung up on that either because I feel like by painting and sharing it, I am doing what I have been called to do which is really what is validating me more than any priceless masterpiece I might ever create or not.
|The beginnings (in sequential order) of a piece I am currently working on.|
I have been painting since early 2000s but I always knew I was never quite that good while I was doing it. People would see what I did and they would appreciate it but I always knew that they agreed with me that what I was doing wasn't all that noteworthy. Looking back I can evaluate what I was doing and say outright that my work lacked confidence and direction and also what I was painting? It was obviously indicative of the fact that I was trying to paint for the sake of painting and I wasn't saying much with what I was painting but I also didn't know what to say. I was just sort of painting for the purpose of hoping that I would turn out something decent and worthy of praise at some point but I had no idea how I could be a little more intentional.
None of the aforementioned applied anymore though. Why? Because I have made a more concerted effort to do something more than be simply self-taught and an enthusiast of the art of (and from) the act of painting. Now, don't take this like me bashing self-taught artists. That's not what this is at all. I mean, for as much as I struggled during my self-taught years but still continued to paint despite it, well... being self-taught (and thus a little bit unknowing about the importance of being something more than simply self-taught) helped me to explore a territory and offered me plenty of mistakes to experience so I would be able to understand the importance of more formal training - that which I now have at this point in my life!
|Some more sequential images via my instagram feed. It's a work in progress but I feel like it's working out enough to show progress better than most any kind of artwork I have ever done before!!!|
|Added lighter values and warm colors back in after darkening almost the entire canvas in an effort to correct value issues.|
I might never sell a painting in my life and I might never make it into a gallery of any kind. But you know what? That's not my point in being a painter and a visual artist anyway. I am doing what I am doing because I feel truly called to do it and with every mark of my brush, with every canvas that I "dirty" with paint, I feel like I am answering that calling and that gives me greater joy than anything I might ever have for all of the rest of my years on earth.